I usually post something related to losing my baby weight on Wednesdays.  I finished my cleanse last Friday and I’m glad I can have wine again.  However, I want fattening food less than ever.  I got my bloodwork back from Dr. Sherri and as I suspected, I am allergic to dairy and eggs and…… bananas?  Weird.  I will keep those foods out of my diet and see how I progress.  (Ingesting foods one is allergic to can cause inflammation, weight gain, and other dis-ease.)  I lost 8 pounds and I am proud of myself, but there is still a lot of work to be done to get back into all my pre-pregnancy clothes and bathing suits.

A topic I have been skating around is breastfeeding.  I have a pit in my stomach just writing this.  And I will probably cry, too.  However, I need to put this to bed, once and for all.  Obviously, one cannot go on a cleanse while breastfeeding.  All the toxins the body sheds would go straight into one’s breast milk.

Please note: this is not meant to make anyone feel guilty about their parenting decisions.  I believe that all we can do as mothers is the best we know how.  We all have different priorities, hardships and backgrounds.  It is as personal as life gets.  If this isn’t your bag or if you are not a mother or mother-to-be, this post will probably confuse you or totally bore you.  There is my disclaimer.

The truth is, I stopped breastfeeding Annabel after 13 weeks.  Some people wouldn’t bat an eye at this, but to die-hard Clean Green Mommas like me, it is a BIG damn deal.  I had every intention on breastfeeding exclusively for at least six months, and if it came easily, than maybe even a year.  I was so nervous about so many things when it came to having a child, but I thought nursing would come very naturally.  It was the one thing I didn’t worry about.  I was actually excited for my baby to benefit from all my healthy decisions and all the organic food I ate.

Well, I was in for a rude awakening.  My first mistake was not researching on my own (for once).  My OBGYN told me that I could take Benadryl to help me sleep (I had terrible insomnia and restless leg syndrome while I was pregnant).  I resisted, as I did not want to take any meds while pregnant.  However, in the last couple of weeks, I was so desperate for sleep that I popped one almost every night.  Guess what?  Benadryl is on the “safe list” of meds for expectant mothers, but it is on the “do not take” list for nursing mothers.  Why?  It is an antihistamine, which dries up breast milk faster than starvation and dehydration combined.  Just when my milk should have been coming in, I was unintentionally inhibiting its production.

Annabel was born and I still didn’t realize this.  The lactation consultants at the hospital told me to use a nipple shield (Annabel was so small that she couldn’t suck very hard and she couldn’t tell her tongue from my nipple) and to pump for a few minutes after each feeding to get my milk to come in.

I followed their instructions.  I worked with three excellent lactation consultants and I went to breastfeeding class every week at the hospital.  Each time I nursed my baby, I pumped for 15 minutes afterward.  I took herbs, drank teas, increased my calorie count, ate oatmeal, drank tons of water, tried different nursing positions, got acupuncture, nursed skin-to-skin, tried to “relax” (my personal favorite piece of advice), pumped instead of nursing, nursed for prolonged periods of time instead of pumping, did breast compressions, you name it.  Nothing worked.  I would nurse Annabel for an hour, terrified she wasn’t getting enough (she wasn’t gaining much weight and was barely over 6 pounds to begin with).  When I finished nursing her, I would pump and she would cry because she was still hungry.  Feeling like a total failure, I would make a small bottle of formula, which I really did not want to resort to, but my baby was starving, so I did what I had to do.  An hour later, I would start all over again.  Every single day was like this.  I was operating on little sleep and I felt like I was losing it.  I cried.  A lot.

At seven weeks, Annabel started to sleep from 11pm to 7am.  I think the lactation consultant saw it in my eyes.  She told me to sleep through the night, too, and to skip the 3am pumping session.  She said sleep can help one’s milk production.  I listened and I was so relieved to hear what I wanted to hear.  Alas, sleep did not help my milk production, either.  But at least I wasn’t a zombie when I tried to breastfeed all. day. long.

By the time Annabel was 12 weeks old, I was only producing 1 or 2 ounces of milk per feeding – at most.  She needed more than double that.  How did it come to this?  How could I, the natural-is-best, pro-breastfeeding, anti-dairy snob that I am, be so insufficient and be giving my baby formula?  I did not want to give up.  All I could think of is that if I had lived a hundred years ago, my baby would die of starvation because my body could not do what it was designed to do.  I imagine my feelings were probably similar to those of a man who cannot physically protect his family: shame, inadequacy, guilt, worthlessness.  I know this sounds crazy, but this was truly my state of mind.

My husband had a come-to-Jesus with me.  “This isn’t working”, he said, and it wasn’t.  I was unhappy during the happiest moments of my life and my anxiety was definitely rubbing off on my sweet baby, who had begun to reject my breasts altogether.  I know that I am lucky to say that this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and hardest decision I’ve ever made.  I know that my baby and I are healthy and that I have more to be thankful for in a day than most people do in a  year, but I so wanted this for her, and to be honest, for myself.

Breastfeeding was the hardest job I’ve ever had and a humbling experience, to say the least.  I still grieve the loss of this amazing super-power, but my baby and I are okay.  She is full, which makes her happier, and I am more relaxed, which makes me the mother I want to be to her.

I am well aware that I may get some judgement from both sides on this one, but if what I’ve written makes just one new mother feel less alone, I will take the criticism all day long.  This experience has reminded me to withhold my own judgment when observing others parent their children.  Until you walk a mile in those shoes…

If you are wondering which formulas are Bare Beauty-approved, there are a few (and you know I researched the hell out of this): Baby’s Only Organic Dairy Formula, Holle Organic Infant Formula, and HIPP Organic Infant Formula.

Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest, my dear readers.

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“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”